


If you're reading this, assume I'm Dead

by SorryTheUsernamesTaken



Series: Dean Winchester And his Blog about Depression [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Balthazar is a dick, Character Death, Depressed Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, John Winchester Abuses Dean Winchester, M/M, Past Balthazar/Castiel (Supernatural), past Anna/Charlie, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-18
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:27:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22790200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SorryTheUsernamesTaken/pseuds/SorryTheUsernamesTaken
Summary: Im sorryLove,Dean Winchester
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Series: Dean Winchester And his Blog about Depression [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1643242
Comments: 8
Kudos: 77





	If you're reading this, assume I'm Dead

**Author's Note:**

> Tw: Suicide attempt, child abuse, self harm, undiagnosed depression

**If you're reading this, I'm probably dead.**

Hi. I'm Dean winchester. I'm 23 years old. I used to work at Singer's automobile garage and scrap yard. I left high school without a diploma at age 17 to work there. My favourite food is pie and my favourite band is Led Zeppelin. I have lived in Lawrence, Kansas since I was 6 months old. I’ve been living on my own since the last 10 month and I’m sure it’s time now.  
Time for what you might ask?  
Well, Time for me to end my life.  
Ok, so I have a younger brother Sammy, who likes to be called Sam. He’s on a full ride to Stanford and wants to become a lawyer. I had a mom who died when I was 4 years old in a house fire and I have a dad, who I hate.  
This will come as a shock to all, as they believed me to be “happy.” To them I just wanna say, “ sometimes a smile on the face can mean they’re dying inside,” or some philosophical bullshit like that. Dad became abusive in 1984, few months after mom died. He blamed me for the fire. And I blamed myself too till the last year, when my shrink (a necessary evil) told me it wasn’t my fault. Ok doctor Milton, I believe you.  
Sammy burned his leg though, in the fire and that was my fault. It was, and will always be my job to protect Samuel William Winchester. (He’s fine now, no lasting scars.)  
So anyways, Dad became abusive, started drinking all the time and hit me anytime anything went wrong. But I was ok as long as Sammy was okay. Cause protecting him is what matters the most.  
Sam left 10 months ago for Stanford. Did I mention he has a full ride? I’m so proud of my little Sam. We haven’t talked as he and I had a huge fight before he left. I didn’t want him to go, me being the selfish person I am. He couldn’t wait to get away from Dad. He asked me to go with him but I didn’t want to be a burden. So I stayed back in Kansas. Not with dad though. The only reason I stayed with dad for the past 18 years was Sammy. Once Sammy left, I got my own apartment, worked my ass off at Bobby’s (he’s the owner of Singer’s automobile garage and scrap yard) and stayed away from dad. Until last month, when I got a call from the sheriff. Dad was arrested for the murder of some dude named Gordon Walker and was sentenced to 5 years in prison a month after Sammy left and a month ago he was killed in prison by an inmate.  
Sorry Sammy, if you’re reading this. Dad had no family listed and the only reason I got to know about it was cause sheriff Mills was an old friend of moms. There was no funeral as there was no body left to be buried and dad had no one left except us. You wanted no contact with dad so I didn’t think about telling you.  
Also, congratulations on getting a girlfriend. She’s cute. Promise I’m not stalking you. Jessica Moore, thanks for taking care of my brother. 

This started as a suicide note. Now it’s become my way of telling everyone my story. Just don’t forget, death is inevitable. Or in my case, been there done that.

Just a few things for Sammy before I go on about sad stories from my childhood:  
A] Sam, there’s some money I saved for your college before you got your scholarship. Bobby has all the details about it. Take it and have a lavish life. Maybe get an apartment next semester.  
B] Its not your fault Sammy. On the other hand, it’s cause of you I’ve held on for so long. I love you now and I will always love you. Don’t blame yourself Sammy, you never knew. 

~~I just wished sometimes you’d ask me why I always wore full sleeved clothes~~

C] There’s a contact on my phone saved as Cas :)  
Once my funeral is over, track him down and please take care of him. Don’t let him get at the stage where he does something like I’ve done.

Cas :) or rather Castiel is the love of my life. He is Dr. Milton’s (my shrink) brother, or one of them at least. If I’m not wrong, she has 12 brothers and 4 sisters. How she even remembers all of their names is beyond me.  
I met Castiel 2 years ago. Sam didn’t know I went to Dr Miltons and I never thought of telling him about it. It was after I tried to kill myself the first time. It obviously didn’t work and I hated myself for thinking about ending it and leaving Sam alone with Dad, so I started visiting Dr Milton. She was my best friends ex-girlfriend. ( It was all above age don’t worry). So Dr Milton was out for lunch one day with Castiel. It was a normal day in regards to everything else. But Castiel changed my life. He was there when Sam left, when dads beatings started getting too much. It was because of him that I could afford the apartment I live in currently. He is my guardian angel. 

Cas, if you’re reading, and I hope you’re not, don’t forget that I love you. I’ve always listened to you. Please listen to me when I say, don’t harm yourself. Please take care of yourself. If not for me, then do it for Alfie. He loves you so much, both of us do.  
I’m sorry that I did this you, leaving you all alone, but you know how difficult existing had become for me, especially after Jack. Sorry again  
Please take care of yourself.

Moving on from that depressing section dedicated to my family, let me tell you about Alfie.  
Alfie, or rather Samandriel Alfred Novak, is Castiel’s two year old son. He was born a few days before Castiel and I meet, him and his twin brother Joachim Gabriel Novak, or Jack.  
Their mom, a lady called Meg, was the surrogate for Castiel and his ex husband Balthazar, who left Castiel for someone else a month before the boys were due. Castiel got the kids since they were Biologically his (and since his ‘husband’ refused to talk to them). I meet Castiel when he was telling Anna (that’s doctor Milton) to come meet the boys. When Cas and I got together, we practically raised the boys together. They were my saving grace, Cas, Alfie, and Jack.

Jack had always been a sickly baby. There were some complications during his birth and apparently Alfie had taken most of the nutrition required by Jack in the womb (or something like that).  
Doctors had told Cas that Jack required at most care all the time since his immune system wasn’t properly developed and he could get sick anytime.  
For 2 years, there had been no issues, both the boys perfectly fine (Alfie’s first word had been Dada for Cas and Jack’s first words were deee for me).  
But two months ago, Jack got pneumonia. He held up for a month but couldn’t any longer. We buried him the same day I received the call about Dad. I don’t think I’ve been the same ever since. Cas tried to help me but he’d just lost his son. He also had another son to take care of. So I decided he’d be better off taking care and focusing only on his son.

**I’m sorry Cas. I still love you.**

Sorry Alfie for leaving you.  


**I’m sorry Sam for making you go through all of the bad things in your life.**  
Sorry Jessica, for Sammy.

 **I’m Sorry Charlie that we lost contact after Sam left but I still love you.**  
Sorry Anna, I couldn’t take care of Castiel.

**I’m Sorry Dr Milton for disappointing you.**  
Sorry Ellen for everything I ever said to you.

**I’m Sorry Bobby for leaving you high and dry without any notice.**  
Sorry Jo I couldn’t be a better friend.

**Sorry Dad for not helping you.**

**Sorry mom for ~~not helping you~~ not saving you **

**Sorry Jack, you couldn’t live your life due to my mistakes**

I’m sorry. 

Love,  
Dean Winchester

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. Let me know what you thought of this. :)  
> Also, sorry :/


End file.
